When you are out at the bar, the drink you order is of the highest importance if you’re hoping to attract the right kind of attention. Even if the only thing on your mind is getting a good buzz on, the hot blonde in the corner is taking note of what you order. What your drink says about you may be the difference-maker between a night ending with her phone number and a night ending with you cruising the Web for free porn. Again.

Beer: (Domestic) I’m easy-going and care free. I like watching football and getting drunk with the boys. I may be a fun date and I’ll make you laugh but I’m also cheap and don’t care about any of life’s “finer things”. (Import or Microbrew) I may think I am better than you and I drink beer you’ve never heard of and can’t spell, but I’m not counting pennies or praising dollar drafts. More importantly, I am statistically more likely to buy a woman a drink.

Vodka and Red Bull:  You may laugh at me now, Bro, but in 6 hours when the girls are dancing around in their underwear, I’ll still be awake and ready to party while you’re passed out on the couch with your shoes on. I also think heart palpitations are normal.

Rum & Coke: My drink is easy, uncomplicated and cheap. Best of all it tastes exactly the same no matter where I order it. Unfortunately I too am easy, uncomplicated and cheap.

Mojito: I want the ladies to think I’m chic and worldly so you order expensive Latin drinks, even though I nearly flunked Spanish and don’t know my Puerto Rico from my Cuba. The more complicated, more labor intensive the drink, the better. Like drink, like drinker.

Whiskey/Scotch/Bourbon: (Straight) I don’t want to talk to anyone so stay the hell away. Just leave the bottle, buddy. (On the rocks) Women want me and men want to be me. Maybe I just finished writing my dissertation and I’m here to celebrate, maybe I just want to bash some skulls. But wouldn’t you like to find out?

Jägermeister: I’m still in college (or wish I was). Or maybe I’m in high school but look old for my age. Either way, I want you to think that I’m ready to punch someone in the face for looking at you the wrong way. But in all actuality I hate Jägermeister and I’m just trying to impress my friends.

Gin & Tonic: I live a high profile, faced-paced life. I cut out the bullshit and get right to the point; hell, even my drink can be abbreviated to just two letters when need be. I care about my drink order but I still know how to drink.

White Wine: I’m a classy guy but I’m no show off; I’ll leave that to the Red Wine Guy. I either work in or frequent art galleries and book stores. We’ll have a great talk but don’t leave your drink behind when you go to the bathroom because I might be tempted to slip a little Rohypnol in it to help me seal the deal at the end of the evening.